More A Way Of Life… Look, this is just between you and me

Ten From Ten – The Reason For Pride

Originally posted 26th July 2003 - on a Pride weekend here in London.  I'd been posting Pride-related stuff all weekend and at the same time engaging in a spirited, mostly intelligent and only minimally homophobic discussion on the subject over at Millarworld.  The following was my final post here on the subject, and it builds to an observation I still use in this kind of discussion to this day.  Which is a bit depressing, when you come to think about it.

One more for the theme of the weekend, then I’ll shut up about it, I promise.

The question of whether we need Pride anymore is one that occasionally comes up both within and without the LGBT communities. Such great strides have been made, the argument goes, that there is little reason for us to need to make our presence felt through special events.

In response to the thoughts I posted last night, the online debate took in many points, but one was this:

"Okay, I’m going to preface this with the statement I don’t object in the slightest to gay/bi pride, but I’m going to say I don’t understand it. It’s my understanding that it’s generally accepted in the gay community that homosexuality is not a choice, but something you are and are born with. I can understand that, as I couldn’t choose to be gay any more than you could choose to be straight. But that’s where my confusion comes from. How is it you’re proud of something natural that you have no control over? To me, if it’s something you’re born with and is natural, saying ‘I’m proud to be gay’ doesn’t seem any different than saying ‘I’m proud to have two eyes.’ "

I understand this viewpoint completely, but it misses some specifics of the experience that informs Pride.

Discussion followed, some of which I extract here (note ‘extract’ - I’m missing a fair bit out).

"For me it’s about being able to stand up and be who you are. You’re right, it’s not the same pride you might have in something you’ve done or achieved, but it’s pride in yourself.
You won’t have experienced this, but to be told all your life that what you are is wrong, or evil, or unnatural… look, you’re attracted to women. That’s not something you’ve chosen. If I told you that it was wrong, that you had to be attracted to men, you couldn’t do it. This is the fundamental misunderstanding straight people make when they talk about our ‘lifestyle choices’. A townhouse is a lifestyle choice. Homosexuality, Bisexuality, Heterosexuality is part of who you are.
Personally, I’ve gotten this from both sides. Straights who tell me it’s wrong to be attracted to other women (and they offer my appreciation of men as proof that I’m just ‘in a phase’) and lesbians who tell me I should have the courage to make a choice, or to stop pretending to be straight.”

The questioner replied:
” I think I get it now. You’re proud because you’re doing what you should despite the fact people have been known to go out of their way to make that difficult. That applies to a lot of situations. I personally wouldn’t be proud if I were in any of them, because in my head I would just be doing what I should be doing.But then it falls back to what you believe. I’m not a proud person, so I have a hard time understanding when other people are.”

To which the respondent hit the nail so firmly on the head I was embarassed not to have managed this summation myself:

"The word Pride is generally taken to mean some sort of conceit about yourself, or about something you’ve done. We don’t use it that way. Nor would we (most likely) consider ourselves ‘proud’ people.

I didn’t choose the word, but I think we use it not for its Dictionary meaning, but for its Thesaurus meaning: It’s the opposite of Shame."

I mean, really, that’s it, all of it, in one sentence. I’m awestruck.